Is Being a Lawyer Causing My Depression?

I have had a bad couple of months. Of epic proportions. While trying to navigate some extremely difficult changes at work, kid drama, unexpected home repairs, and this endless endless winter I have been thinking really hard about who I used to be. 

I used to be fun. I used to be carefree and able to enjoy things. Now I know this sounds like depression talking, and it probably is, but it also means that fundamentally something about me has changed and I'm not comfortable with it. 

I noticed that fun things tend to be avoidance as opposed to legitimate hobbies. I noticed that rather than having a blast playing a new video game, I find myself wanting to go do it during moments of stress. That doesn't feel healthy to me. Why is it that I am no longer able to detach from my life that are causing me stress? Why can I not put those things aside for a few hours to truly enjoy something?

It affects my ability to be a good mom. I don't want to spend time with my son endlessly discussing Pokemon. I don't want to sit down and do homework with them even though I know that they desperately need me to do that. I don't want to take my oldest to the mall and window shop. I just want to hide in my bed under the covers and pretend the world doesn't exist. I have felt this way before, off and on for many years. 

The only consistent cause I can truly identify is that I am a lawyer. I often think about how lawyers discourage people from going to law school. It seems odd to me because not every law job is the same. And not everyone is capable of addressing stress in the same way (whether well or poorly.) But enough people talk about how miserable they are as attorneys that there must be something to it.

Is the law causing my depression? I can certainly identify a lot of things about it that are not healthy for people. For example, it is perhaps the only profession where it is intentionally designed to be adversarial to such an extreme degree. Your ability to do well at your job depends in part on your ability to actively sabotage your counterpart's ability to do theirs. In order to effectively litigate, you have to try make the other side fail. I remember attending a wellness seminar by one of our Supreme Court justices in Utah and she ask the audience to imagine you are a brain surgeon in the middle of a surgery. The patient is on the table with their head cut open and you are actively inside their brain attempting to perform the surgery. A rival brain surgeon enters the operating room and begins actively taunting you. The rival surgeon wants you to fail, and they get paid to do this. 

That type of working environment would be toxic for anyone. And unfortunately, that is the way the law is designed. What started out as a healthy rival boxing match intended to make both sides perform at their best possible level has devolved into a toxic bare-knuckle no-holds-barred street fight. We spout off platitudes about civility and the great profession, and yet when someone violates those rules there are rarely consequences for it. Which makes sense, because at the end of the day zealous advocacy has become equivalent to throwing out the rule book. Platitudes don't mean much when judges don't impose sanctions for uncivil behavior. When a defense attorney can toss around terms like prosecutorial misconduct with impunity, it demoralizes public servants like me.

That said, the vast vast vast majority of defense attorneys that I work with on a regular basis are extremely civil and ethical. I would have a beer with any of them anytime. Even while in trial against them! But those few, the ones who don't seem to care what the words they say actually mean, ruin it for everyone.

So is the law causing my depression? I don't know. But I can clearly identify things about the work that impact my mental health. The next question is what to do about it?

I Almost Got Divorced After Law School

The first week of law school I told Brian he was not allowed to divorce me. We knew it would be hard and how common it was for marriages to fail during school. We got through it, but only barely.

It has taken a long time for me to be willing to talk about my marriage, what it was like to take a break from it, why we chose to do that, and how we found our way back to each other. When Brian and I separated I felt humiliated, like a failure, and like everyone would be looking at me differently. I was 6 months' pregnant. It was the holidays. I was alone and terrified. I reached out to some people for help who rejected me, so I stopped reaching out for help, only to be blamed for not reaching out. I felt so ashamed. So I quit talking about it publicly, even though I knew people were curious. When we reconciled, we told those who we thought should know, but we didn't make a huge deal about it. Now, after all this time, I want to make a big deal about it because we have come so far!

                                                                   Christmas 2016

Brian and I loved each other so much, but we had let our relationship not only die, but go to a dark and lonely place filled with resentments. We got along fine, but our ability to really give to each other selflessly and empathize with one another was just gone. 8 years is a long time to be together without any kind of relationship tune-up, especially after going through the experience of a partner in law school, with kids, crazy opposite work schedules, and starting not just a new business, but a legal revolution. We couldn't do it on our own but we were both skeptical about therapy.

Everything was done, papers were filed and we were just in the 90 day waiting period when Brian met with an attorney. That's when he realized not only did he not want the divorce but he didn't want to live without me in his life. We were separated for 1 year. We lived apart for slightly more than that. We dated other people. We figured out what we like and don't like, independent of one another. We had adventures. When we had those adventures the one person we wanted to tell about them was each other. We had seen a therapist to help us navigate the divorce. Doing this with a newborn is hard enough, but a curious 6 year old on top of that made us super worried about how they would handle all of it. We did 50% custody during the separation and were kind and civil to each other. Our therapist was thoroughly confused. One day she said, "I just don't understand this. You obviously have great affection for each other. Are you sure you don't want to work this out?" It wasn't that we didn't want to. We did not know how, and because we think we are really smart, we assumed we knew something that the rest of the world didn't. We were simply doomed: end of discussion.

I had a particular health issue that was greatly affecting our marital relationship. Doctors were not sure if it was physical or psychological -- and in my pain I blamed Brian. There were legitimate reasons to blame him; he wanted to be close to me and bond with me and he wasn't great at expressing himself emotionally, so he did so physically. Which only upset me more, because I felt like my health issues were not important to him. I was simply expected to be the dutiful wife. Eventually I experienced a major trauma related to all of this, and I simply could not stay in the relationship without help. I do not mean to downplay the trauma, for those who know the story, but I have healed and don't need to go into detail. When I got pregnant with Henry, things went from bad to worse. The reality was we had an issue that could not be dealt with by a social worker.

We got extremely lucky and found a psychologist with training and therapy skills to deal with our specific issues, and after the wake-up call with the lawyer Brian was ready to try therapy. The difference was night and day. We knew the moment we walked into that office that we could fix our marriage, and that we would be happier and healthier. It was absolutely life-changing and I cannot recommend it enough. The therapist not only dealt with our specific physical issues, but issues of shame (a big issue for me as a post-Mormon), communication (a big issue for Brian who struggles to express feelings verbally), conflict, and connection. We even ended our therapy with mindfulness meditation to help keep stress out of our intimacy. I'm not going to lie, there were plenty of times when Brian was flirting with me or kissing me and I was drafting pleadings in my head. It can be really hard to shut that off, and it can completely reject your partner. That new term "phubbing"? (A really dumb word for phone-snubbing). I was the queen of that. I shut myself off from Brian and yet I expected him to make efforts even when I rejected him.

He expected me to not only have the physical energy but the desire to give him affection, even though I was a young lawyer and company founder who was completely stressed out like 99% of the time. I couldn't shower without a crying baby interrupting (or a toilet being flushed but that is a whole other gripe-fest). I couldn't sleep. I was eating absolutely terribly. I didn't feel sexy or glamorous and felt like if one more person demands something from my body I swear I will KILL SOMEONE. That's the head-space I was in and he just didn't get it. Our therapist helped us understand each other. If you haven't heard of Collaborative Communication/Marriage Skills it is seriously amazing.

It was a long process, but we have been back together for about 15 months now and we could not be happier. It is like we got to start our relationship at the beginning with all the great honeymoon stuff, but with the deep connection of a couple who has been together for a decade. It will be 11 years this July, and I can't wait to see where we go from here. Our running joke is that we will not renew our vows because every reality show where that happens ends in divorce -- but maybe we will renew our honeymoon.

Slippery Slope to 40

So I'm watching Ali Wong: Baby Cobra in bed. I can't move super effectively right now because my stupid discs are inflamed and my back feels like a piece of overcooked steak. Yeah, sexy. So Ali is hilarious and making me cry with how real getting older and more domestic is. I was never a huge party animal but as I'm laying here my biggest accomplishment today is that I cleaned my bedroom and took the tags off my new shapewear panties to be washed.

One month from today I will be 36. That's right! The downhill slippery ass slope to 40. I could be more upset I suppose. I have such amazing plans for my birthday next month that I'm counting the minutes. I have two gorgeous kids and a gorgeous husband. I'm temporarily silky smooth from the waxing nightmare the other night. My career is interesting and challenging. I have some gray hair but it isn't terrible. I'm kind of looking forward to seeing how it comes out. It is WHITE compared to my dark hair. I'm hoping for glamorous, not Cruella. We'll see!

I have been doing well at the workouts, that that my back has anything nice to say about it. Selfish asshole.

All in all I can't really complain that much. I feel like I have a few things figured out and boy do I NOT miss my 20s.

10 Things We Can (and should) Do Instead of Waxing Our Junk

This post is dedicated to my friend Katie, with whom I embarked upon an adventure of...prickly proportions.

Last night we got our first ever bikini waxes together. She posted about it here, so I won't go over the whole saga again. I will, however, suggest 10 alternatives to the horror show we experienced. The whole ordeal cost between 120 and 170 bucks, if you're me it's slightly less. If you're Katie and you bought product, slightly more. So to split the difference let's say $150. $150 to be tormented, prodded, ripped, spread, rubbed, and overall just kind of violated. On purpose!!!

I'm going to Vegas for vacation next month. I thought it would be nice to have nice smooth legs and stuff. Katie was nervous, so I offered to go with for moral support and to further my goal of wearing nothing but sexy microdresses on vacation. When in Vegas, right?! Plus for some reason shaving my nethers results in misery every single time so I thought waxing might be a good alternative.
They started trying to upsell us with waxing passes the moment we got in the door. Dude, know your audience. We came in there shaking like leaves and talking about how scared we are. You really think we're going to drop 600 BUCKS on future waxes based on the possibility that somehow your technician magically knows how to make ripping hair out by the roots from OUR JUNK not hurt? Yeah, right. We politely declined. Then after they tried to get us to buy lotions and potions. I politely declined those as well. I still ended up shelling out 120 bucks.

So, here it is, the 10 things I think Katie and I should do instead of paying $150 to wax our junk.

1. Buy 10 Duckie Deathstars 
2. Go to the Dollar Tree and buy 150 gloves and hats - give to homeless
3. See Rogue One 12 more times
4. Buy 1500 needles, poke into legs and junk
5. Eat 10 sushi rolls
6. Buy a one way ticket to Chicago
7. Get 2 fancy haircuts (TWO!)
8. Rent 75 Redbox movies
9. Pay a month of car insurance. For two cars. And two drivers.
10. Buy a fabulous new White House Black Market special occasion dress.

Some of these are more fun than others. Kind of like some of those waxing tears are more horrific than others.

All that said, I have another appointment in 4 weeks. What is wrong with  me?!?

Yep, I'm a New Year's Resolution Cliche and IDGAF

I don't know about you, but I like to pronounce the ever-so-classy acronym IDGAF as an initialism instead - so I pronounce it ID-gaff like it's a word. It's more fun that way.

So everyone is all harping on how people set New Year's resolutions and it's stupid and harmful because they set unrealistic expectations on themselves and then fail in a few weeks. Well that's all fine and good, but it's ALSO harmful to discourage people from trying to make positive changes so maybe STFU. (I don't pronounce STFU like it's a word, I'm not some kind of savage.) So, to that end, here is my honest resolution and how it came to be.

I have two herniated discs in my lower back. They do not appear to be from any kind of injury, other than three years of law school and two tiny humans. The daycare bill alone is enough for serious bodily injury (aggravated assault) -- but that's a topic for a different day. About 4 years ago (READ: after finishing law school and reclaiming my bodily freedom) I went in to my primary care physician to try and figure out what was wrong. Tailbone bruising, muscle tears, bad posture, hip dysplasia, all those things were tossed around. My doctor decided to send me to a physical therapist. She was a total hack. She literally took a tuning fork, pinged it, and pressed it against my muscles. She used lasers. She used percussion massagers. She used heat and ice. She told me I simply HAD to buy this 80 dollar belt to help align my pelvis. All of this without an MRI, mind you. Eventually I felt like I had been taken advantage of enough, and I went back to my doctor to tell him his buddy the PT was a hack. He begrudgingly sent me to a spinal specialist who had me in for an MRI within days. Sure enough, two discs bulging so much that they were impinging my sciatic nerve (hence shooting leg pains and hip pain) and near rupture. A week later I was face down on a table having epidural injections of steroids to help reduce the swelling. Before I knew it, I could touch my toes! I did 12 weeks of physical therapy and my back was completely fine for almost 4 years. Now a chiropractor would probably say that the medical doctor simply wanted me to have a bunch of unnecessary procedures - the usual holistic v. medical fight - but I don't care. I was cured!!

Now I'm right back where I was, only this time the shots didn't help. My issue appears to be slightly different. My abs are total jelly after having Henry, and my legs, back, and shoulders are doing so much work that my core should be doing. I have had back spasms so severe I ended up on the floor, having crumpled mid-step.

I am also fat. Not like, hugely fat, because I am tall and curvy so I look good naked from most angles. But you guys, I weigh 207 lbs. I am considered obese. My back hurts and I have crap for energy. I discovered I have mild anxiety last year, during the week of a terrible family law trial no less, and got on medication to help with it. I have been trying my best without actually dieting and exercising - AKA prayers to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and hopes - and sure enough things have not improved.

So I'm done messing around. I decided to work through the pain (being nerve pain it's not actually harmful to move even though pain is usually a sign you should stop) and get my core in shape. I'm sick of the PT exercises so I'm doing yoga and pilates instead. Abby and I decided to buy Just Dance and have little dance workouts each night before bed. I'm just going to get moving.

It is my birthday in February and I will be having a fabulous trip to Vegas. I bought a cherry red bikini from Torrid for the occasion. I am going to swim laps every day I'm on vacation and kick ass. If I lose weight, great, I am sure that I probably will. But I am going to be back pain-free by the end of this year. Just wait and see.

Here is where I am starting from:

I'm like a size 16. My belly has a nice little flap that hangs when I lay on my side. I absolutely hate it. Honestly if the fat were still there but my abs were firm under it all, I would be thrilled. I just can't live like this anymore.

AND guess what? I found a nifty little device to help with my posture. I wanted something to help me remember to sit up straight, and found this amazing thing!

This tiny device magnetically clasps to your shirt near your collar bone and then vibrates when you slouch. It arrived yesterday and while my muscles ache from not being used to sitting up tall, I am using my alternating standing desk to help take the edge off and keep moving. It also tracks steps and calories, and how many minutes each hour you have good posture. You can set your "ideal" posture any time you want, so if you are walking/standing/sitting you can adjust it as needed. I'm still getting used to it, but even just the reminder is helpful.

So there is my New Year's resolution, let's see how we go!

The Windy City

In a couple of weeks I will be speaking at the Clio Cloud 9 conference in Chicago. I am SO excited. I have never been to Chicago and have always wanted to go. Getting another opportunity to talk about OLS is exciting as well. The Revolution is in full force, with new entities popping up all over the country. Now that I am a super nerd in public (see image below), it's fun to see those passionate about Access to Justice in person and get to share my experiences. Normally I would hesitate to post my own license plate, but that's the beauty of vanity, I guess (the secret's already out as I'm driving around).

This week a local attorney sent a client referral to me specifically. I only have about 8 cases at this point (the ones that just will not end but that I can't let go of) and it pains me to see clients who ask for me specifically and to have to tell them no. I miss practicing, but it's just not really an option with the company getting as big as it has. They need me to run the place, the consulting about our experiences is keeping me busy, and I just don't feel like I can do as great of a job on cases if I have too many and try and juggle too much admin at the same time. Sometime soon, I might talk to the board about bringing on an executive director to replace me so that I can practice again. I can still do the consulting and management, but perhaps the nonprofit business side of things could go to someone else. Maybe even a part time person could do it, who knows. I'm a great attorney, and I was just getting a handle on family law when I had Henry and gave away most of my cases. Who knows what the future will hold? For now, I know that I get to talk about something I love to people who want to hear it.

My Annual Promise to Blog

Every year around this time I hop on, realize I haven't posted in a year, and promise to post more. It's a cycle but at least I recognize it!! Life as an executive director of a nonprofit seems to get busier and busier. Earlier this year I had a second child, so that on top of my day to day responsibilities with the firm has kept me in essentially a frantic mode at all times.

I am in serious need of a nap.

Henry is great. He is a wonderful baby and so very very cute. See Exhibit 1. At 7 months, he is already crawling and trying to pull himself up. He is in the 95 percentile for height. He is currently obsessed with blowing raspberries and trilling all day, while getting copious amounts of saliva all over his face. He spends half his time at daddy's house, and my heart breaks every time they go.

Abby is growing like a weed. She started first grade this year. She is SO smart and so creative. She makes up songs, on the spot, that are catchy and clever. The girl can write a hook, to be sure! She loves to dress up and is currently obsessed with fairies. She adores being a big sister. She is so tender with Henry, even when he pokes her in the eye or pulls her hair. She just smothers him in cuddles and lets him totally abuse her with his little sausage fingers and ham fists.

These two, along with my other baby (the company) are my sources of joy and accomplishment. While I have gotten a lot of credit for the low bono work the company is doing, coming home to these two is so rewarding. It will be amazing to see what they decide to do with their lives.

Practicing law is becoming a smaller part of my role. I am starting to get more into development, which I am not super in love with but must be done to help the company grow. There are days when I am perfectly content not dealing with family law drama, and others when I miss being in the courtroom kicking ass. I constantly go back and forth, but trying to manage both is not really sustainable. I can't believe it's almost been two years since we started Open Legal Services, I wonder what it will look like two years from now?

Tax Exemption!

One of the biggest steps for a nonprofit is applying to the IRS for tax exempt status. While not paying income tax is important, more important is the status of being an exempt organization. It is a symbol to potential donors that you are recognized by the IRS, and it brings legitimacy to your cause as a charity. The 1023 application for recognition as a tax exempt organization is extremely difficult. It took me hundreds of hours, because in order to answer the questions on the form you have to have made hundreds of policy decisions. What type of charity will you be? (We are a 509(a)(2), which is a service-based organization.) What type of charitable activities do you do, will do, might do, could possible consider doing while having a dream one night? What kind of fundraising and how often will you do it? Who are your board members? How much do you pay your officers?

It's a nightmare.

Once it was done, we heard from a friend who had recently gotten her determination letter (approval from the IRS) that it had taken 18 months.

So we assumed it would be awhile. We got our letter only 6 months after we applied. We are tax exempt!

We are officially a recognized 501(c)(3) charity, and it is retroactive to our date of incorporation. Microsoft and Adobe are giving us free software under their charitable giving programs, and our website host is also now covering our website. Other organizations are now helping market our services.

A single piece of paper, and the weight on my shoulders has been significantly reduced. Before our letter came, we were pretty sure that we would be approved and everything would be fine. But of course, we worried. Other states asking us for help building their own similar organizations were told repeatedly, "we are not approved yet, we are not experts, it's an experiment" because we were not 100% sure we had done everything correctly. Who were we to tell people how to do this?

Apparently we did things right, and now we can tell everyone about our experience and the revolution can continue to grow!

The Other Public Defender

We are struggling at Open Legal Services to get the word out about our criminal defense services. It's frustrating because that is what I want to do. I do not enjoy family law and I know that a lot of people cannot afford private criminal attorneys so I want to help. Since we charge based on income most of my criminal cases are usually only a few hundred dollars.

So how to get the word out?

In Salt Lake County, the public defender association is large and very good at what they do. But when a defendant doesn't qualify, the courts really can't refer them to specific private attorneys, and the defendant ends up finding someone they cannot afford on Google.

We consider ourselves the other public defenders. Since as we are a nonprofit the courts are in fact allowed to refer to us. It has become about educating judges, which is tricky. Many have enthusiastically begun referring family law litigants to us, but not criminal.

We had lunch with a friend the other day whose partner is on the city council (or used to be, I'm not sure since I am a bad citizen who doesn't follow local politics much). He suggested we get the municipal courts to refer by getting mayors and city councils to approve us officially. He is going to help us get some meetings.

We are on our way, but it's frustrating. I was sitting in court just the other day when a judge was telling a defendant his income was too high to qualify for a public defender. Ethical rules prohibited me from approaching him. It was so frustrating and heartbreaking.

How can we change the thinking from public defender and pricey private attorney being the only options (other than defending yourself)?

We have tried to help educate defendants on their options, by creating www.saltlakelegaldefenders.org and doing some radio spots, but we need more.

Suggestions?

Growth and Growing Pains

This little company of ours is starting to take off. We are nearly at capacity for clients, with about 40 active cases each. That is a whole mess of cases. Most are family law though, so the work comes in bursts with nothing happening for large gaps of time. We hired a paralegal part time, and that is helping a lot. We are looking at hiring a third attorney. Our intern is very concerned with growth, and growing too fast.

We are getting noticed by the ABA, the Washington State Bar, the Colorado Supreme Court, and local firms who want to help us grow. How fast is too fast? We worry about opening the floodgates and having to turn people away. We worry about accepting more than we can handle and failing to provide competent representation. It's a tricky balance, but it's not a bad problem to have.

The entire mission of our nonprofit is to help those who have nowhere else to go. The fact that other nonprofits are starting to form in other states and we are being contacted for advice on how to build a model like ours is, well, flattering and not at all upsetting. We didn't do this to be innovative for innovation's sake. We did it to help the "doughnut hole" population that can't pay for a private attorney and doesn't qualify for pro bono. If other firms start up and do what we are doing, so much the better. If I went out of business because everyone could find an attorney they can afford, I would be absolutely thrilled.

Work/life balance is starting to present some challenges for me. In the beginning, my husband was so supportive and basically raised our daughter while I worked insane hours. He is still doing that, and is so selfless about it. The issue is me. I want to keep working. I want to stay at the office. I like what I am doing and I am such a control freak that I want to be the one who does everything. Learning to delegate to our paralegal is KILLING me. I should get a book on how to have an assistant. My partner needs her way more than I do, so that helps a bit. I delegate important tasks but manage my own calendar. Dan's clients call frequently, because they are family law and many of them have very dramatic cases. So they need to talk more, and it's great that Heather is there to get their calls and screen them to determine if they really need to speak to their attorney or if it's something she can handle.

My clients almost never call. They know that I will call them if I need them, and that I am on top of things. With criminal cases, you just do so much in court that you don't need to talk a lot. It's a waste of time and money, when you are waiting for pre-sentence reports or rulings on motions, to call your lawyer to just chat. It doesn't do any good, and I make sure my clients know that. I am of course always there if they need me, but I try to reinforce boundaries. I am not a social worker, and my personality is such that while I am compassionate I am also sort of nuts and bolts.

My partner, however, is so caring and kind. His clients will call him to talk about anxiety over their case and he talks them through it. He is glad to do it. I think that makes him an excellent family law attorney. Myself, I do not enjoy family law. Criminal law is largely about math. The evidence weighed against the defense's theory of the case. The odds of success. Statistics for recidivism. I love it. It's heartless and emotional at the same time, which is very odd. And for some reason, I fit right in there.

So I am trying to remember I have a family at home that needs me, but it is hard when I have this six month old baby (the company) that needs my constant attention. Most nights I get home about 6:30, and I don't go in until 9am. It's not so bad, but I am working weekends a lot and working remotely in the middle of the night when I have a filing due. It's challenging to keep myself emotionally at home with Brian and Abby when I am stressing over tasks to be done at the office.

In the next few weeks, we will be doing some things with the media and are working on publishing an article in the bar journal. We have a board meeting coming up in June, and right now we know that they are going to be very happy with what they see. We just have to keep the growth to a gradual, manageable rate and I think we will be fine.

As for me, I am going to put "Play Barbies" on my calendar more often.

Starting a Revolution Part II

Being an employer is hard. Really hard. I had no idea when I started my nonprofit that you have to do things like pay payroll taxes. Pay for worker's compensation insurance. Pay for...well everything. I am surprised someone as thoughtful (right? I CAN be thoughtful) as me didn't realize how much my former employers shelled out so I could make a living. It's a LOT.

Last weekend our little project had a huge boost. We attended the state bar convention, where I spoke on a panel. I talked about my experience graduating and not finding a job. I talked about the low bono movement (AKA "The Revolution"). I talked about making my own path and blowing off On Campus Interviews or "OCI" in favor of more practical training like avoiding Law School Pizza or "LSP".

As I ranted about unattainable overhead costs, inflated legal fees, and the modest means/aka low bono market, I saw people physically lean forward to listen to me. I even raised my fist in triumph, causing the audience to erupt in laughter. My partner and best friend sat in the front row and took photos. He was very proud and supportive. What happened next was even better.

The keynote speaker, someone who I believe to be downright prescient in his predictions about the legal market and highly in tune, asked me for MY card. It was swell. Then the bar president chatted me up for a while. The co-chair of the bar committee which deals with the low bono market asked me to have a drink and talk about my future plans. A big firm lawyer started talking about how others he mentors will do what I did (only as a solo and not a nonprofit) and then get offers from firms once they have had 3-5 years experience and because of the disappearing partner track he is advising them to TURN IT DOWN.

Many many people at the convention wanted to set up referrals and get brochures and have us speak on more panels and perhaps teach a CLE. There is momentum going on.

Viva la revolucion!

That said, being a boss sucks. We have to pay quarterly taxes in April and I would so much be doing a suppression hearing than dealing with that. With any luck, we will have someone else handling all that nonsense next year. We are growing, and things are going well, and that is what matters. Plus I am very grateful to myself for being a good boss and paying for things like worker's comp!

The Prisoner's Dilemma

A couple of years ago I got involved in a high profile murder trial. The murder happened in a city where economic disparity, racism, and religious tension run high. The prosecutor had been through a political firestorm due to several other high profile cases that had been horribly investigated and claims of corruption rang throughout the trials. The news in this city is awful, with a murder on nearly every night. When my client's loved one was killed, similar crimes had been occurring in the area. There was no physical evidence tying my client to the crime, and the "motive" the officers attributed to the defendant was thin at best. I spent a year prepping for the trial, helping catalog over 30,000 pages of discovery. I went out there for the trial, but had to come back for my law school graduation. I watched the verdict via a live feed.

It was a hung jury. I was devastated but it was better than a conviction. You see, my client is innocent. I feel it in every fiber of my being. I see the facts. I see the evidence (or lack thereof), and I see the tricks and manipulations of those involved in both the investigation and the prosecution. They immediately committed to re-try the case. Now, it's been a year, and the second trial is due to start.

Everyone is tired, including my client, who has been in custody since 2010. Waiting. Hearing the voice of a child, who barely remembers the time when the family was whole, growing up on the other side of the country with grandparents who try to keep hope alive.

The last hung jury case in the jurisdiction (also totally based on circumstantial evidence) ended in a conviction the second time around. The judge in our first trial let in horrifically tainted evidence. He refused to grant a mistrial despite a Brady violation so prejudicial and so game-changing, that the entire theory of the case changed overnight. While there is a new judge this time around, I have been up nights wondering if this new trial will be any less corrupt. I am not optimistic.

If you haven't heard the term, the prisoner's dilemma is related to an innocent person being forced to make the choice of whether to admit to something he or she did not do, in order to get out of prison. Parolees are required to own up to their crimes, show they've been rehabilitated while incarcerated, and commit to being better people on the outside. How can an innocent person do this? If they admit to the crime, they lose their innocence forever and the world will always consider them guilty. If they don't, they are not eligible for parole in almost all cases. For sex-related crimes, required treatment programs can never be completed because if you don't admit you have a problem, and you are denied participation.

How can you choose to save your life by admitting to a crime you did not commit in order to get out (or avoid the death penalty)? What can you do then to save your soul?

So the prisoner's dilemma is waiting, hoping that someone will come along with the proof you need to be exonerated. Many wait forever, or die waiting. Many are executed and then later proved innocent.

With the new trial starting next week, I am certain that my client is considering these same options, facing this same dilemma. It might not be too late to put the family back together. To teach the child to drive a car. To see the child graduate high school. Get married. Have grandchildren.

If you look only at the math, it seems like an easy choice. Get home. Get safe. But what will the cost of this choice be? Forever labeled a felon. A killer. And no one will ever look for the person who actually tore the family apart in the first place. Case closed.

I may never sleep again.

Starting a Revolution Part I

I hope it isn't too boring, but if I am going to start blogging regularly again I need to talk about my company. As I love to say, throwing my fist triumphantly into the air, "I am starting a revolution!" Not long ago, I was a poor kid growing up in predominantly Mormon Utah. This led to awkward exchanges with friends and classmates, for all sorts of reasons. I didn't have the nice clothes kids around me had. I didn't go to church. I smelled vaguely (if not strongly at times) of my parents' cigarette smoke. We drove crappy cars and couldn't afford a hot school lunch most of the time. I noted longingly that other kids either had money for these things, or had something called a "waiver" so they could get school lunches for free.

I never seemed to qualify for these free lunches, or if I did it would last only one year and then the next I'd be back to pressed ham slab sandwiches. I still hate cold ham to this day, thanks a lot, Sam's Club. Or macaroni and cheese. Or boiled hot dogs. Or Spam. We were broke, and kids were cruel about it at times. Orem, Utah is a fairly affluent little town, with McMansions on the hillside and everything. My parents were construction workers who built those houses. To earn pocket money growing up, I would go and collect bits of drywall as they were measured and cut and tossed onto the floor, or sweep up the endless white powder of drywall dust. While I worked, I dreamed of living in houses like that.

There are days I look around this tiny 900 square foot apartment and wonder when that day might come. But most days I think to myself how lucky I am, because others in my family have not been as lucky as me. Part of being poor is being tangled up in the law, and drugs, and alcohol, and dropping out of school. I decided a long, long time ago that it wouldn't be that way for me. My decision to forgo smoking weed and blowing off school cost me friendships that meant a lot to me. I didn't care enough to give in to peer pressure, though it did hurt to be excluded and even sometimes taunted about being a goody two shoes. Those decisions are why I got to go to college, law school, and why I do not bear the burden of a criminal record like so many of those I once knew.

When I was dealing with all of this as a child and then young adult, I kept thinking to myself how if we just had a little more money our life would be so different. The rich kids were certainly into some illegal activity, and they blew off school all the time, yet I didn't see them getting pulled over every week by the cops. I didn't see their parties being busted up and parents called. No one stopped the kid in the Letterman's jacket for walking down the street after curfew as far as I could see. Yet me and my friends on the west side of town were endlessly harassed. I was on the honor roll, but I still couldn't drive from South Orem to North Orem without being tailed by police. Perhaps it was my rusty 1980 Crown Victoria. Perhaps it was my blinker that blinked right when you indicated left, and vice versa.

I said that someday I would find a way to make a difference for people like me, and I think I finally have. After I got admitted to the bar in October, my friend and classmate and I decided to start a new kind of law firm. Something that has only been created in a couple places in the country. It's a nonprofit, and it's a law firm. A strange hybrid of the legal aid types of organizations and small private firms. We do not do pro bono work. We do low bono, offering legal services based on income. We cover 125% to 400% of poverty. We have a sliding scale that ranges from $50 an hour up to $135. We keep our overhead very very low, which means we keep client's fees as cheap as possible. We are 100% funded by our clients who pay us about 10 billable hours up front when they hire us. We do everything in our power to keep billables down for clients, by offering limited representation and ghost writing for clients who cannot replenish their trust accounts.

I am starting a revolution. Other attorneys are taking note. I am speaking at the spring bar convention with the deans of both Utah law schools (Utah and BYU). I am talking at panels and writing bar journal articles. Big firms are referring people to us, and so are the other nonprofits like Utah Legal Services and Legal Aid Society of Salt Lake. Attorneys who have heard forever about "modest means" and "low bono" and the "disappearing middle class" are seeing us actually DO something about legal services being priced out of most people's means to pay.

Most grant resources go to about 10% of the population, those who are indigent and need pro bono representation. Our nonprofit covers 53% of Utah families. Before November, they had nowhere to go, because they do not qualify for free help but can't pay the (on average) $225 an hour most divorce attorneys charge. Many criminal defendants had no choice if they did not qualify for a public defender, because private attorneys mostly charge flat fees up front. It's between $1500 and $4000 for a misdemeanor. I could not afford this if I needed an attorney, and almost all of my friends are attorneys. That is saying something.

Attorneys have built their companies just like those before them. High overhead, high student loans, high expectations. This means you must charge high hourly rates. You have to charge the client in order to have a receptionist, a paralegal, a file clerk, a window washer, a shoe polisher. For years, no one thought there was any other way to practice law. A guy in Minnesota started a similar thing years ago, and he has been kicking ass doing it. He was kind enough to give us some advice. The first thing he said was "you won't need to advertise." So far, he has been right. There is a HUGE need, but until the Old Guard stops doing things the Old Way, no one will be able to do what we are doing.

I am starting a revolution. Who wants to join me?

Aaaaand We're Back!

I am completely shocked by the date of my last post. It's disgraceful, and yet, look what has happened since then! I finished law school, took the bar exam, got an amazing job, and took our first family vacation EVER. I even read a non-law book while at our little beach cottage, and met another mother-in-the-legal-profession blogger friend in real life.

It's all been a huge accomplishment and the culmination of years of planning and yet here I sit with a dilemma. What in the world will I blog about now? I am no longer a law student, not one of the huddled masses trying to find work in the legal field and keep themselves and their families fed, and I'm not particularly witty. Hopefully I will write about my family and my research and not bore everyone to death, and yet I sort of feel like being boring might be the greatest reward of all. No more insanely stressful finals. No more "having it all" trying to balance law school and a young daughter. Now I just go to work, come home, make dinner, and play princesses. It's really sort of awesome and if boring you, my few dear readers who kept me on a blogroll and will go "Huh." when you see my update is the price I have to pay then I am okay with it.

I promise to be more eloquent in the future, but I can't promise content!

So, a note about my new job for those who are curious what I am doing. Shortly before the bar exam, I panicked and started applying to random public interest and non-profit positions. I was hoping to get something that would qualify for public interest loan forgiveness, and I didn't care that much about pay. I was going to be flexible, and if I got something related to law that would be a swell bonus. I spent all three years of law school doing criminal defense. I worked on a hugely publicized murder trial out of state that ended in a hung jury. My poor client is sitting in custody waiting for his new trial, and I was so heartbroken by the system I felt like I could use a break. Enter our local university, which houses a criminal justice research facility. They were looking for a research analyst to edit findings and reports to be published, do research, a bit of writing, and as a bonus for them, do some criminal law consulting. In the short time that I have been there I have worked on very interesting studies about experimental courtrooms, truancy, re-entry/recidivism, and more. It's very detail-oriented work, the people are great, and I am fully benefited staff at the university which includes amazing benefits. As my husband is also benefited staff, we're in a pretty decent position to get a great education for Abby. We even get a pension. I'm not sure how long this will last, it depends on our grants and other things but for now it seems permanent. I figure I am learning so much and should things change I will practice.

We'll have to wait for those bar results to be sure of my backup plan, but I feel like I passed. It's based completely on my gut, I honestly couldn't tell you how I did. I don't feel like I guessed that often, so there's that. Anyway, I promise to write again soon and not be so scatterbrained. We'll see how it goes, now that I am starting a new boring life!

Time Keeps on Slippin'

I had been doing so well blogging at least once a week. Then it was time for school to start. I got my summer work finished and had nary a break before Fall classes started. So far I only like 1 of my classes. I'm not crazy about Arbitration or Business Organizations, possibly because I have so little interest in the topics. Arbitration freaks me out because it requires small assignments all through the semester and I am used to be able to slack off all semester and then cram for an exam.

Normally I am grateful for small assignments because it means your grade is based on multiple opportunities to excel, but I know I am going to get a B no matter how hard I try so I would prefer to be lazy and just take an exam. At least we are encouraged to work with a friend on arbitration assignments, because my friends are crazy good at (and interested in) drafting arbitration agreements.

I think my gender/sexuality/law class is going to be really interesting, but I find myself getting pretty ticked off at the readings. Today we discussed the documents published by the Catholic and Mormon churches about homosexuality. I felt a surge of anger reading the steps these churches ask you to take if you are gay. Still, perhaps through these studies I can develop better tools for discussions with those who do not believe in gay rights, without resorting to screaming matches.

I have not started my clinic at the public defender office yet, but I am concerned about how busy it is going to keep me. We have to do 12 trials  on our own! The odds of that even happening seem so slim as it is, and I of course wouldn't feel ethical encouraging clients to go to trial just to meet my course requirements! I wonder (somewhat naively) if previous students have done such a thing?

Things on the weight loss track have been terrible. I have actually gained a couple of pounds. I got a Fitbit and started using it, but I don't think that it is helping much. Having a set goal for steps per day assumes that you are able to work out every single day. Otherwise, you look down at the device on your hip and see that barring a full-blown workout you are a failure for the day. I ordered the workout which is just one level below P90X, so I am going to give that a try. It arrives today, hopefully it will sufficiently kick my butt.

All in all, I am definitely not into the swing of things yet. Hopefully in another week or so I will be used to school (and not taking a nap every day).

Slippery Summer

Summer is one slippery sucker, ever slipping away while I'm not looking. I have less than ten hours left on my internship at the public defender office and one ten page paper left to write. I have procrastinated so much on the paper it's ridiculous. It will only take a little while to do, but it's just so B-O-R-I-N-G. I am not interested in the topic at all. It's even ON POINT with my chosen field and I still can't bring myself to give a crap. Why, you ask? Because MURDER TRIAL. I am going all Dooce with the all caps today, aren't I? The murder trial is ramping up and I am having fun working on it, but the pressure is starting to build. I may get to go out there soon to do some intensive trial prep, but for now it's all stressful last minute discovery.

Before I know it, school will be starting up. It's crazy. Do you realize what fall of 3L means? BAR APPLICATION. Holy mother of crap, I have to start that mess. It's easier said than done, given my multiple name changes and dozens of jobs in the last ten years. Frankly the thought is stressful to me, even more-so than the actual bar exam. That will change soon I'm sure.

I had this whole plan in my head (and on paper, and on the Internet) that included getting in shape before school started. I pictured walking into class after the summer all fit and sexy and everyone would be super jealous. With only 2 weeks to go, that is not going to happen. Some dear friends from law school got married over the summer in Wisconsin, so they are doing a big reception in September. It will be dinner and dancing and a great time, so I'm going to shoot for that date to wow my friends. Tonight at 10pm I actually got on the treadmill and ran/walked for 20 minutes and then did my physical therapy. My PT is kicking my ass, almost like a personal trainer. Hopefully I can keep it up so that I can lose some weight, but at this point I am starting to wonder if my hormonal issues contributing to infertility might also be affecting my weight loss. I'm considering seeing a specialist and getting a full hormone panel done. Who knows, maybe the weight loss will correct that too, but maybe the hormone fix will correct the weight issue? It's a vicious circle.

/Head Explodes

This week it became apparent that my end of summer is not going to be as relaxed as I imagined. Unless I work 24/7 from this point on. School starts on August 21. I have 20 hours of my clinic remaining, 2 bench trials, a 10 page paper, and a murder trial which I had previously been only slightly involved in and am now suddenly waist deep in it.

The good news is the case is exciting, (if not ridiculous) and I may get to go out to its location to help with trial prep for a few days. I am super excited about it. I just hope I can get it all done and keep my sanity. The paper is something that should (as per school policy) take about 50 hours. Whoo. I think I will spend all day tomorrow on it and hopefully get it at least researched. If I can get it done, the 20 hours on the clinic won't be so bad because the paper won't be hanging over my head.

I wish I could talk more about the big trial, but obviously that's not allowed. I can say that I've processed about 8k pages of discovery and just got word the prosecutor's office just sent more over. So we have that to look forward to. Hopefully the new pages explain some of the big holes I see in their case, but one can only hope. (Or not, given that we are on the defense.)

Abby has been particularly keen on playing Barbies and princesses with Mommy lately, so it breaks my heart to have to say I'm sorry and then tromp downstairs to my office for hours at a time.

Yesterday and today I have been super hormonal and my sense of smell is suddenly impressive. I also nearly thrown up when walking by Subway (I hate the smell of their bread baking apparently) and then today when helping Abby use the bathroom. I'm not normally squeamish, so I'm wondering if this is a good sign that our efforts this month with Clomid have paid off. I'll have to wait another week to find out!

New and Improved

This week I started working on myself a bit. Some little things, some pretty major. Here's a quick list:

My spinal specialist (I have L4 and L5 disc bulge) gave me a steroid injection in May and asked me to start physical therapy and get custom orthotics for my shoes. I didn't do either of those things because I had so much going on. I got the orthotics and I start physical therapy tomorrow.

I started exercising and have worked out almost every day this week. My back feels much better with the small bit I have done; we'll see how well we do with the physical therapy. I'm only a week into my (very very gradual) running program but I'm seeing huge improvements and weight loss.

I stopped drinking soda cold turkey. No alcohol (since we're trying to conceive) and only drinking water or milk. Mostly this is for the sake of my teeth, but the lack of caffeine dependency is nice as well.

I've been cooking meals and keeping the house clean, which has helped me with energy and motivation as well. I am much more likely to do healthy things like exercise and cook dinner if the house is clean.

I started taking regular vitamins (including prenatals).

I feel really good so far, although very tired. That may have something to do with the 1k or so pages of discovery I indexed today though.

We went to the zoo today, here is one of my favorite pictures:

We had a great time and since we have a membership now we'll be going back a lot. We caught the bird show and it was as fun as always. Abby got a kick out of the birds that could "talk." We went by the gift shop and while she could have gotten basically anything in the store (squishy stuffed animals, candy, science-type gadgets) my kid went with a helicopter. That's my girl!

Sound Off! One two...

A little sound off for today's reading pleasure.

Brian and I had a wonderful weekend date, we went to the local amusement park where we went on our first date. I couldn't believe it had been six years since we last went! We discovered (to our horror) that we have become "Those People". You know Those People, they are the super lame whiney people popping Dramamine and complaining about the heat. I felt myself being super terrified of going on rides (many of them I had been on HUNDREDS of times in my youth). I got shaky and nauseated at the mere sight of the newest additions to the park. Still, I pressed on, determined to not be one of Those People. I picked the newest, most scary ride EVER and we went on it. First. Here's what I subjected myself to:

This.

And this.

And this.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? I pretty much felt like I was going to hurl for about two hours after that. Brian wasn't doing so hot himself, so we went on the ferris wheel and several other safe rides hoping my stomach would calm down.

We discovered another new ride in the park which is basically little jet airplanes which SPIN AROUND over and over while flying. PUKE. I opted not to challenge myself on that point. Here it is:

Yeah, no.

I was pretty annoyed at my body that it can't handle rides anymore (even with motion sickness medicine). I used to LOVE it in my younger days. Oh well, the price of getting old I guess. We still managed to have a great time, but Brian wrenched his neck pretty hard on one of the rides. Queue the sounding off...

Brian has been off work for the last two days because of his neck. It was causing nausea and pain (I'm guessing whiplash? but it's better now so it's fine) and he didn't want to go to work. He was a trooper and still dropped Abby off and picked her up from daycare. I was working from home, and while he was minimally invasive just having him around totally threw off my groove. I kept wanting to do things and couldn't because he was around, and he assumed my attempts to concentrate on the 20,000 pages of discovery I'm trying to catalog was me being "mad at him." Maybe he was partly right, but mostly I was just trying to do the work I had committed myself to do for those two days. Plus, he wanted to play video games and I like to watch Netflix while I catalog.

Basically I am not only one of Those People, but I'm totally ungrateful for my amazing husband who probably just wanted a couple lazy days at home to recover and my working from home threw off HIS groove.

*sigh* I feel like such a jerk sometimes.

Having a Baby in Law School (Again)

Lately I have been struggling with what to do about our little family. We would love to have another baby, but we've been trying for about a year and a half (with intermittent Clomid) with no success. It looks like we had an early loss this month, so at least we know it's possible but with the way the calendar is looking we are running out of time. If I am due during the bar it will bring impossible stress, so we want to avoid being due in July at all costs. Even June is iffy, given how much studying I will need to do (and sitting in a classroom during Barbri). Having Mommy Brain and a compressed bladder does not sound like a good plan for bar prep.

So what to do? We've decided to try the Clomid for a few more months and then stop, and then to be honest I just don't see us having more after the bar. I want to get in shape and start focusing on my career and having a baby (and trying to conceive) just takes so much out of me. At some point I would love for me and Brian to just focus on us as a couple again, and we all know that the more kids you have the longer it takes to get to Empty Nest. Not to mention I am not a spring chicken and I hate the idea of the risks going up so much due to my age, I'd rather just stick with our one amazing kid than risk anything going wrong.

Things at work are great. I've been practicing for a month or so now in a couple different jurisdictions, and I've really enjoyed it. Public defense is certainly different than private, I really had no idea how much so. I will get to do a couple trials in August, so I have that to look forward to. I'm also working on a big case out of state (working from home) which is super exciting (and I'm getting PAID!) and which keeps me busy but not too much so. Frankly, a lot of the work can be done while hanging out on my couch and I think that is swell. It's not stressful at all and I know that when I'm done I will have a nice check to apply to my debt or pay for our vacation next summer after graduation. Pretty soon I will finish up the hours for my clinic, which means I will be done at the public defender office. That will free up some time to enjoy my summer a bit more. Maybe we will head south and visit Brian's sister and do a bit of swimming, that would be super fun.

I'm sort of rambling here, but I've been out of the habit of blogging for so long now that I figure anything helps me get back into the swing of things. Hope everyone's summer is going well!