Priorities

This week I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I was hormonal from taking Clomid (which did not work on the first try, sadly) and feeling generally overwhelmed. Abigail is so amazing, I have a hard time imagining having another kid. I sort of love our little family just how it is, but I think another one would be great too. It’s just hard because with trouble ovulating, school, being over 30 (I know, I’m still young, but I worry. Do you know the odds of having a Downs baby after 30? Google it. It scares me.) and everything else going on I was just feeling very stressed. I talked to my husband about it and we decided that with my weight (nearly as high as it was when I delivered Abby) and stress levels I need to do something or I will be in trouble in the future. I have about fifty pounds to lose and all efforts to make positive changes have failed. I have great intentions, but a workout routine just never seems to materialize. If I can’t do it in law school, how am I supposed to do it when I’m an attorney? Not to mention that pregnancy will go a lot better if I’m not a) so out of shape any effort induces asthma symptoms and b) so fat that the baby is statistically more likely to be large and my chances of gestational diabetes go up. I’m actually having trouble sleeping at night due to my weight.

Recently, like within the last two months or so, my abdominal muscles gave up. I now have that Thing that fat people have. Up to now, I have managed to skate by with the weight distributed all over. This means I may be considered “obese” but because I’m tall with a small waist and big boobs I still look pretty damn good naked. Now, The Thing has appeared. You know The Thing. People at bargain basement stores in sweats driving around on little motorized shopping carts have it. People who’ve had multiple pregnancies (at once I mean) have it (provided they don’t get free tummy tucks like Kate Gosselin did, the lucky duck!). The Thing is what those 80 dollar Lane Bryant jeans are intended to hide. I really wish I had bought those instead of the 30 dollar equivalent at another store. The Thing is what you USED to grab onto when you were a skinny teenager and you relaxed your stomach muscles, because it was dramatic to pretend it was fat and not relaxed muscle and skin, and now I can grab it even when I’m flexing my hardest and standing up straight. It HANGS. I had gotten quite used to nothing HANGING. Are you disturbed? Because I am. Enough to do something about it. I just hope my body can recover, I’d hate to start selling myself in exchange for plastic surgery.

Today I bought a treadmill. I’m not sure if I have blogged about our last treadmill and how it tried to KILL every person in my family, but suffice it to say it got returned to the store. I felt defeated (and pissed) and decided I needed to go to a gym instead. I’m pretty sure that was almost two years ago now. This new treadmill is SO pretty. It has an iPod jack and built in speakers and it does interval training. Do you know what that is (and how awesome it is)? Basically, it makes you go slow/fast slow/fast over and over to help you build cardiovascular endurance. This is the best and quickest way to train your lungs and prevent asthma attacks. It helps you be able to suddenly do stairs without passing out. And, it’s great for weight loss. Just when you catch your breath, it’s time to run again. You don’t feel bored, because your pace changes every minute. Some people prefer incline intervals, but I like speed intervals. The point is, this is the kind of training I like. If I’m going to form a new habit, it needs to be something I like. Once I’m in good enough shape, we can talk about doing the kind I don’t like, but for now, I’m just going to set some goals. I would really like to run a mile without stopping. And then 2 miles, then 3, and so on.

I’ve been thinking of starting a Biggest Loser competition with my friends, only instead of competing for most amount lost, we just compete to meet our individual goals. If you meet your goal, you win. If you don’t, you lose. And then the winners divvy up the prizes. I’m worried about trademark though, anyone have a suggestion for a parody of the name? How about Biggest Schmoozer?
Anyway, that plus lots of law school is what is up with me.

Mondays

Obviously Mondays are difficult. This week is especially difficult because this weekend was The Game. Our big rivalry game happens every year and since our rival is a church-owned school the game is known as The Holy War. I think that's a bit silly, because we have plenty of religious people at our school, but we're still known as "the heathens." I made sure to live up to this title with copious amounts of tequila all weekend. I was hoping I was pregnant but feeling decidedly NOT, so I decided to take the risk. I took a test last night and it was negative, although it was a bit early. I still don't think I'm pregnant, so I won't let the 10-plus margaritas make me feel guilty. It was a lot of fun, although I was beginning to feel slightly hormonal and grumpy. Looks like I'm in for a rough day tomorrow as well, assuming the Clomid is going to make my cycle a little more regular.

So why am I making you suffer by hearing about my menstrual cycle? Because I am dealing with that (and obsessing over it due to the attempts to get pregnant) AS WELL as law school.

I'm not a fan. I'm really not. In fact, I'm rethinking the whole thing altogether. Pregnant during law school? (While working two jobs and raising a toddler?) Am I completely insane? Why would I do that on purpose? Why can't men have babies?!?

Still, I feel like it's now or never, and I don't know if I want my daughter to be an only child. What to do? I would say we'll just see what happens, but dealing with things like Clomid and periods and hormones and grumpiness is really tough while managing everything else. I'm not totally convinced it's worth it.

2L Year They Work You to Death

I'm not sure if they will all turn out to be true, but they say 1L year they scare you to death, 2L year they work you to death, and 3L year they bore you to death.

Thus far 2 out of 3 seem to be true.

I am finally starting to get a handle on my new schedule. Things have been completely insane. I'm a big fan of lists, partly because I am too tired to write full sentences right now. So here's a breakdown of what's been up with me.

1. I have a class at 7:30 in the morning. YUCK.
2. I'm working two jobs which only add up to 20 hours a week but having two things other than classes which are tightly scheduled is KILLING me.
3. Abby really misses me and cries sometimes when we drop her at the sitter.
4. I had a blood test which showed I do not ovulate (or at least not regularly)so I am now taking Clomid.
5. Round one of drug-induced baby-making commenced this past month. We'll see in a week or so if I got pregnant.
6. I am now a redhead, which is pretty crazy as it takes a whole lot of bleaching and coloring to make it so. I am finally getting used to the new hair. People seem to like it. Sorry the pic is so blurry:



7. I got my case for the Innocence Project. I am excited to get working on it. Our project has gotten TWO exonerations this year which is a new record.
8. I like all my classes, which is more than I can say for how I felt at the beginning of Spring semester last year.
9. I like being a 2L a lot, but it's still weird to think of myself that way.
10. I have the most amazing husband in the world. He has become the maid, the cook (aka food delivery boy), and the majority parent. He is wonderful and I am so grateful.
11. I have decided to apply for other summer gigs as a backup. I like where I am working, but it would be nice to get paid for full time work. We'll see what happens.

When you put it all in a list it doesn't seem like that much. I guess I should quit whining.

I don't want to go back to school. I can't wait for school.

I am so completely torn about school. On one hand, I miss my law school friends terribly. I also miss financial aid. A lot. On the other, I get to do basically everything my boss does, the only exception being that I can't make appearances and I have to stamp his name on documents. I feel all lawyerly and I like it.

But, I am getting tired of working so many hours. I miss my family and coming home before 6:30. I miss cooking dinner and suddenly we're almost through with grilling season and we've used our grill only about 5 times.

This fall I am going to try and keep the firm job (if you can call one lawyer and his partner who just took the bar and won't be admitted until October a "firm") and be a Westlaw rep. My classes aren't too heavy, so I am looking forward to them. I really think I can handle it all but I see many mental health days in my future.

And then there is Abby, my amazingly adorable, precious, little girl. I've decided to be a bit more personal on here, so here is a picture.



She is just so fantastic. She counted in Spanish the other day from one to ten. I didn't even know she could do that. We've been working on potty training and her language skills just keep getting better and better. She still goes right to bed with no fuss and rarely any argument. She sleeps through the night with only the occasional nightmare. I cannot believe how lucky we are.

This month we realized we had run through our savings and that suddenly our lack of full time paycheck for me (or the financial aid I normally get during the school year) had put us in a tough position. We could have done a cash advance on a credit card, but I really didn't want to do that.

So, at 2am on Saturday, I decided we should have a yard sale in the morning. I got up and collected items and posted listings on craigslist and our local newspaper. By noon, we had made 300 bucks. This took care of our immediate financial problem and I felt very accomplished. Sometimes you just have to get creative, now if we can just hold on until school starts we'll be in good shape until next summer. Knowing now what I didn't know then, I will be more wise about how I spend my financial aid.

*sigh* I love fall and I love "back to school" but the idea of being stuck in a classroom again is kind of bumming me out.

Identity

Sometimes I long to post completely openly, honestly, and uncensored. I want to write something that has been well thought out, and maybe even be beautiful or eloquent about it.

I want to share things about myself, my family, my work, my law school experience. I don't want to hide behind pseudo-anonymity. I don't want to worry that a client ten years from now may read a post about my religious beliefs or upbringing or a personal story that somehow rubs them the wrong way.

Part of me hopes that if a potential client does so much research that they find my personal blog they will understand that I am a human being, not just a defense attorney. Part of me says that if someone reads something I've posted and becomes so offended they choose not to hire me that I don't want them for a client.

I will never work in a huge law firm and if by some chance I do, I don't want to work in a place that is so concerned about their image that a personal blog from my time in law school will keep them from hiring me.

I don't post drunken photos, crass language, or highly-polarized statements. I try to keep things light and relatively neutral. But what if I want to vent one day? What if I want to talk about how my choice to leave all organized religion has resulted in the most happy, fulfilled existence I could ever have hoped for?

Will this ruin my chance at some future, unknown success?

Or will holding it in and avoiding my own identity do the same thing?

Is it better to be honest and open now, which produces happiness?
Or to be stifled and afraid for now so that at some magical future date I will be "too big to fail"?

Pigeonholed

When I was preparing to register for my 2L year, I knew a couple of things for certain. I definitely wanted to do the Innocence Clinic, and I wanted to get some practical criminal defense experience. The Criminal Clinic offered during 3L year sounded good. It will allow me to appear for clients under the 3rd Year Practice Rule in my state. It also has several pre and co-requisites which have completely dominated my schedule.

Doing these clinics means that my entire schedule is criminal law, with no room for other stuff. This seems like a mistake, given that I want law school to at least teach me SOME stuff that will be on the bar.

What to do?

Right now I have a HUGE schedule in the Spring, so big that I know I will hate my life. I need to trim it up somehow, but I'm not entirely sure how to do it. My boss said he is happy to supervise me during 3L so I can still do appearances, so perhaps I should not do the criminal clinic?

So Classy

Yesterday I went into the courthouse and as I was walking through security I observed a woman in a very tight black suit with a slit up the back so high it left very little to the imagination. She had long blond hair and looked like she could be an attorney. She was friendly with the bailiffs and seemed to know her way around.

I soon realized why she knew her way around so well.

After checking the docket and realizing our case didn't appear there, we got in line to talk to the court clerk. In front of us was a young man and his father. The same woman we had seen in the hall got in line behind us. Before we knew it, we were caught in between the two parties screaming at each other.

"You perjured yourself, sweetie." She sneered at him, tossing her hair.

"Do I know you?" asked the guy. He seemed legitimately confused. The son turned around and obviously recognized the woman.

"It's pretty clear that class your kid took didn't do him any good. He's in trouble again of course. And now you've written a letter to Mr. Johnson* and perjured yourself."

"Ma'am I have no idea who you are or what you are talking about. Who is Mr. Johnson?"

"Oh yes you do. And you're going to pay for what you did."

"Okay. Whatever."

At this point she really starts to lose it, screaming at the guy and continuing to call him sweetie, which he does not like. Finally, the kid says something in reply about the woman. It dawns on the dad who she is.

"You're a terrible father!!!"

"I'm a terrible father? YOU hosted parties and gave your kids alcohol. You'll NEVER get your kids back!"

"Yes I will! AND YOU KNOW WHAT SWEETIE?!? You're A LIAR!!!"

A young woman in line behind the dad, in front of us speaks up. "I'm not a part of this, so I'd really rather not hear it."

They ignore her, of course. The dad, who seemed like a good guy, tries his best to keep his cool.

"Your son is going to PRI-ZUN! This case is going federal, sweetie!"

"What case? He has no cases pending."

"Yeah, well, you just wait. This case is going FEDERAL!"

At which point the guy asked the court clerk to have the woman removed. We were lucky to get out of there before that went down.

Fast forward to the next day.

I'm sitting in the waiting area of the county jail, because they've decided not to let me in, only my boss.

The jail waiting area makes for great people-watching.

A woman sits down next to me in a bright pink sundress with long blond hair. What is it with blonds in this town?

She proceeds to dramatically sigh to no one in particular, saying "OH MY GOD!" periodically. She's far enough away from me I don't think she's addressing me directly, and people around her are basically just ignoring her.

After ten minutes of this (followed by "It is SO hot!" and dramatically fanning herself and stretching out) she decides it's time to redo ALL of her makeup.

She is obviously there to see some guy, and she's acting totally nuts.

They call her name, and she goes up to the counter.

"What's wrong?!"

"Ma'am, he's refusing to see you."

"WHAT!!!!!!!!" And she proceeds to freak out.

"Are you KIDDING ME?!? Well he's just made my decision FOR ME! He's not getting ANYTHING from me when he gets out. I CAN NOT believe this!"

She tells every sheriff about how this "asshole" has slighted her. The only sympathy she gets is from the prisoner-account clerk, who advises "Don't give him any money."

"Oh he is not getting a PEN-NEE!"

And so on, until she stormed out.

A little advice. If you're pushing 50 and you still wear inappropriate little sundresses and keep your hair bleached and to the bottom of your back, you might recruit a certain type of suitor. Act psychotic and those suitors will be grateful when they end up in jail and can avoid you altogether.

*A fake name. Also I don't remember the real name.