Wednesday, July 6, 2011

So Classy

Yesterday I went into the courthouse and as I was walking through security I observed a woman in a very tight black suit with a slit up the back so high it left very little to the imagination. She had long blond hair and looked like she could be an attorney. She was friendly with the bailiffs and seemed to know her way around.

I soon realized why she knew her way around so well.

After checking the docket and realizing our case didn't appear there, we got in line to talk to the court clerk. In front of us was a young man and his father. The same woman we had seen in the hall got in line behind us. Before we knew it, we were caught in between the two parties screaming at each other.

"You perjured yourself, sweetie." She sneered at him, tossing her hair.

"Do I know you?" asked the guy. He seemed legitimately confused. The son turned around and obviously recognized the woman.

"It's pretty clear that class your kid took didn't do him any good. He's in trouble again of course. And now you've written a letter to Mr. Johnson* and perjured yourself."

"Ma'am I have no idea who you are or what you are talking about. Who is Mr. Johnson?"

"Oh yes you do. And you're going to pay for what you did."

"Okay. Whatever."

At this point she really starts to lose it, screaming at the guy and continuing to call him sweetie, which he does not like. Finally, the kid says something in reply about the woman. It dawns on the dad who she is.

"You're a terrible father!!!"

"I'm a terrible father? YOU hosted parties and gave your kids alcohol. You'll NEVER get your kids back!"

"Yes I will! AND YOU KNOW WHAT SWEETIE?!? You're A LIAR!!!"

A young woman in line behind the dad, in front of us speaks up. "I'm not a part of this, so I'd really rather not hear it."

They ignore her, of course. The dad, who seemed like a good guy, tries his best to keep his cool.

"Your son is going to PRI-ZUN! This case is going federal, sweetie!"

"What case? He has no cases pending."

"Yeah, well, you just wait. This case is going FEDERAL!"

At which point the guy asked the court clerk to have the woman removed. We were lucky to get out of there before that went down.

Fast forward to the next day.

I'm sitting in the waiting area of the county jail, because they've decided not to let me in, only my boss.

The jail waiting area makes for great people-watching.

A woman sits down next to me in a bright pink sundress with long blond hair. What is it with blonds in this town?

She proceeds to dramatically sigh to no one in particular, saying "OH MY GOD!" periodically. She's far enough away from me I don't think she's addressing me directly, and people around her are basically just ignoring her.

After ten minutes of this (followed by "It is SO hot!" and dramatically fanning herself and stretching out) she decides it's time to redo ALL of her makeup.

She is obviously there to see some guy, and she's acting totally nuts.

They call her name, and she goes up to the counter.

"What's wrong?!"

"Ma'am, he's refusing to see you."

"WHAT!!!!!!!!" And she proceeds to freak out.

"Are you KIDDING ME?!? Well he's just made my decision FOR ME! He's not getting ANYTHING from me when he gets out. I CAN NOT believe this!"

She tells every sheriff about how this "asshole" has slighted her. The only sympathy she gets is from the prisoner-account clerk, who advises "Don't give him any money."

"Oh he is not getting a PEN-NEE!"

And so on, until she stormed out.

A little advice. If you're pushing 50 and you still wear inappropriate little sundresses and keep your hair bleached and to the bottom of your back, you might recruit a certain type of suitor. Act psychotic and those suitors will be grateful when they end up in jail and can avoid you altogether.

*A fake name. Also I don't remember the real name.

1 comment:

  1. "If you're pushing 50 and you still wear inappropriate little sundresses and keep your hair bleached and to the bottom of your back, you might recruit a certain type of suitor"

    ... sounds like good advice to me! Mutton dressed as lamb, huh? ;-)