Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Yep, I'm a New Year's Resolution Cliche and IDGAF

I don't know about you, but I like to pronounce the ever-so-classy acronym IDGAF as an initialism instead - so I pronounce it ID-gaff like it's a word. It's more fun that way.

So everyone is all harping on how people set New Year's resolutions and it's stupid and harmful because they set unrealistic expectations on themselves and then fail in a few weeks. Well that's all fine and good, but it's ALSO harmful to discourage people from trying to make positive changes so maybe STFU. (I don't pronounce STFU like it's a word, I'm not some kind of savage.) So, to that end, here is my honest resolution and how it came to be.

I have two herniated discs in my lower back. They do not appear to be from any kind of injury, other than three years of law school and two tiny humans. The daycare bill alone is enough for serious bodily injury (aggravated assault) -- but that's a topic for a different day. About 4 years ago (READ: after finishing law school and reclaiming my bodily freedom) I went in to my primary care physician to try and figure out what was wrong. Tailbone bruising, muscle tears, bad posture, hip dysplasia, all those things were tossed around. My doctor decided to send me to a physical therapist. She was a total hack. She literally took a tuning fork, pinged it, and pressed it against my muscles. She used lasers. She used percussion massagers. She used heat and ice. She told me I simply HAD to buy this 80 dollar belt to help align my pelvis. All of this without an MRI, mind you. Eventually I felt like I had been taken advantage of enough, and I went back to my doctor to tell him his buddy the PT was a hack. He begrudgingly sent me to a spinal specialist who had me in for an MRI within days. Sure enough, two discs bulging so much that they were impinging my sciatic nerve (hence shooting leg pains and hip pain) and near rupture. A week later I was face down on a table having epidural injections of steroids to help reduce the swelling. Before I knew it, I could touch my toes! I did 12 weeks of physical therapy and my back was completely fine for almost 4 years. Now a chiropractor would probably say that the medical doctor simply wanted me to have a bunch of unnecessary procedures - the usual holistic v. medical fight - but I don't care. I was cured!!

Now I'm right back where I was, only this time the shots didn't help. My issue appears to be slightly different. My abs are total jelly after having Henry, and my legs, back, and shoulders are doing so much work that my core should be doing. I have had back spasms so severe I ended up on the floor, having crumpled mid-step.

I am also fat. Not like, hugely fat, because I am tall and curvy so I look good naked from most angles. But you guys, I weigh 207 lbs. I am considered obese. My back hurts and I have crap for energy. I discovered I have mild anxiety last year, during the week of a terrible family law trial no less, and got on medication to help with it. I have been trying my best without actually dieting and exercising - AKA prayers to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and hopes - and sure enough things have not improved.

So I'm done messing around. I decided to work through the pain (being nerve pain it's not actually harmful to move even though pain is usually a sign you should stop) and get my core in shape. I'm sick of the PT exercises so I'm doing yoga and pilates instead. Abby and I decided to buy Just Dance and have little dance workouts each night before bed. I'm just going to get moving.

It is my birthday in February and I will be having a fabulous trip to Vegas. I bought a cherry red bikini from Torrid for the occasion. I am going to swim laps every day I'm on vacation and kick ass. If I lose weight, great, I am sure that I probably will. But I am going to be back pain-free by the end of this year. Just wait and see.

Here is where I am starting from:

I'm like a size 16. My belly has a nice little flap that hangs when I lay on my side. I absolutely hate it. Honestly if the fat were still there but my abs were firm under it all, I would be thrilled. I just can't live like this anymore.

AND guess what? I found a nifty little device to help with my posture. I wanted something to help me remember to sit up straight, and found this amazing thing!

This tiny device magnetically clasps to your shirt near your collar bone and then vibrates when you slouch. It arrived yesterday and while my muscles ache from not being used to sitting up tall, I am using my alternating standing desk to help take the edge off and keep moving. It also tracks steps and calories, and how many minutes each hour you have good posture. You can set your "ideal" posture any time you want, so if you are walking/standing/sitting you can adjust it as needed. I'm still getting used to it, but even just the reminder is helpful.

So there is my New Year's resolution, let's see how we go!

1 comment:

  1. Holy shitsnacks, you updated the blog!

    P.S.: I don't use IDGAF as a word, but I DO use STFU as one. I pronounce it as "stifoo".